Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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