I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize