so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
