Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
