I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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