I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
