Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
