I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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