tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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