Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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