apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
