My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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