If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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