I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
