This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
