So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
