Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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