Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
