My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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