I'm eating all of the evidence.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
