passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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