I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
