She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
