she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
