im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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