it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
