seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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