God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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