Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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