dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
