he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize