The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
