my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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