...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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