dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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