And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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