I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
