just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
