so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
