does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
