She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i dont even know how to be here
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize