ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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