Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
the liver wants what the liver wants
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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