I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
