easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
