After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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