I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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