Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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