Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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