The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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