nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
