my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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