Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
