i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
