Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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