I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
