can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
