Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
