I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
