so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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