so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
