my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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